This is the one interesting pic I found...

At the risk of invoking the wrath of a gaggle of gothic nerds, I felt the need to address www.vampress.net.

Is it just me, or does this chick need to get out more? Or at least get a tripod, so that every pic doesn't end up looking like the proverbial "hey-I-just-signed-up-for-Friendster-after-buying-a-digital-camera-but-don't-want-to-ask-anyone-to-see-me-while-I-attempt-to-pose-sexy" picture that we all know and love.

All My Hypothetical Children

In response to my declaration that my mating with Zach Braff has the dangerous potential to result in children with horrendous noses, a friend of mine told me that they would at least have very sexy lips.

Just putting it out there, folks.

Cause I know you're dying to know.

Pure and utter genius

Guys who wear costumes for Halloween that specifically utilize their linuses should get extra points.

I'm really hoping these are his every day pajamas.

Happy Halloween!

I have no idea who this child is, but this picture is so damn cute.

This makes me nervous

Now, I'm happy to see that Anna Nicole is, in fact, alive and well. However, what's with the social consciousness? I'm a little worried that she may be the victim of a body-snatching because this all sounds a little too socially responsible for my taste. I like my Anna confused and indiscriminately humping things--not as much when she's worrying about issues like the treatment of animals.

I could see this turning tragic, should she misinterpret Sugar-Pie's desire to boycott Iams as a all-out hunger-strike/diet involving a lot of Trim Spa and bad decisions.

A stunning revelation

Well, I'm just flabbergasted, let me tell you.

Next thing you know, they'll be having us believe the world is round.

Oh, Ann Coulter...

Honey, if you're going to go ahead and wear the plastic whore dress, at least have the common sense to vamp up the hair and say, "To hell with pantyhose!"

And if I find out you were wearing sensible flats, I'm so going to go out and have an abortion and protest the war, while I make out with my black lesbian wife who emigrated illegally from Jamaica just to piss you off.

So, the Devil went down to Exxon...

From the New York Times:

Exxon Mobil, the world's largest oil company, said yesterday that its third-quarter net income jumped 75 percent, to $9.92 billion. Its profit in the first nine months of this year - $25.42 billion - already equals its full-year earnings for 2004. This year's sales, which topped $100 billion in the last quarter, are expected to exceed those of Wal-Mart.

Really, Exxon? You claim you HAVEN'T made a deal with the devil?

So, why is it that YOUR FACE IS MELTING?

HMMMMM?

Tsk, tsk, tsk...kids these days

Now, maybe I'm just a romantic at heart, but seriously, whatever happened to good, old-fashioned online dating? Or phone sex?

Perhaps I'm just from a simpler generation--one where we actually had to walk into a store to buy our porn--but purchasing your wife online seems a little too modern for my tastes.

Unless you're paying for her with livestock.

Feeling lucky?

This is how we roll in Reidsville, bitches

Aight? Don't be fooled by the Hawaiian shirts and front-pleats, these dudes came here to par-tay with a capital PAR!

I hear they once got this girl to perform some crazy shit with a fish, or a bowling ball--I can't remember exactly how the story goes. All I know is they know how to tear some shit up, for real.

Care Bear Stare

I'm not sure, but I think my uterus just sighed.

A little something...

...to lift y'all's spirits.

A note of thanks

Thanks, Starbucks.

I like what you do.

At a loss

Frankly, I don't think there's anything I can add that isn't already prominently displayed.

Something cute

I did a google search for the expression, "I have no legs," and discovered this little gem of a site.

http://www.explodingdog.com/

If you don't find this absolutely adorable, then clearly you have no soul.

Somehow, I expected more...

Hmm...www.crazy.com disappoints.

This just in

Sweet! Nickelback has a new CD out! I can't wait to hear the new eleven versions of that song they do!

If we're really lucky, there'll even be a secret, "hidden" track.

I just love that guy's post-Nirvana, Pearl Jam and Bush gravelly voice, expressing his tortured emotions. Plus, he's got that awesome fucking muppet hair.

For God's sake...let the man walk!

My friend, Jenn, recently brought the following to my attention whilst she browsed the most recent issue of People magazine. Angelina Jolie is always carrying Maddox around like his legs don't work or something. (**Jenn, I'm already biting my tongue.)

"Put the kid down!" she said. "Isn't he twelve, or something? Look, now Brad's schlepping him around everywhere."

Some poor woman is going to end up marrying Maddox and having to carry his ass down the aisle.

Based solely on the ability to carry things, I think she would be the perfect mate.

So, I Googled Jesus...

...on Google images and found this picture, which lead me to find these.

Umm...ok...

Hmm...I don't know how much I like this...

According to The Daily Record, Christina Aguilera is asking for donations to be made to the Katrina hurricane victims, instead of wedding presents.

Now, this can only mean one of two things:

EITHER X-tina heard about my "Best Person Competition," with Angelina Jolie and wants to throw her dirrty hat into the ring.

OR humanitarian is the new slutty.

Has my hipster irony gone too far?

Because I REALLY want this t-shirt.

This is my favorite part of the site...

I mean, could the dudes in the pictures look like bigger schmucks? Where are all the hot conservative guys? You guys aren't really pleading your case very well. I mean, check out the douchebag who's taunting me into a fight. He looks like he's smelling his own finger, which I'm assuming he's had in his ass because he just gives me that vibe.


I still think the shirt's pretty funny. I wonder if they have one that says, "I hate that I can vote now (FRONT SIDE)--one more thing to keep me from baby-making!(BACK SIDE)" or "Put your laws all OVER my body."

Hooo dee hoo

Here's a little shout-out to the Hershey's Kit-Kat bar. Thanks for keeping it real--real crispy, that is.

Word.

Separated at birth?

Seriously, this is such a sex-tape waiting to happen.

Go on girl, with yo bad self

Kara Mann hands weights to her boyfriend, Scott Porter, on Oct. 15, 2005 in Nashville, Tenn., as she prepares to train for her strongwoman competitions. Mann, a 5-foot-6 chemical engineering major at Vanderbilt University, spends her free time competing in strongwoman competitions and won the 2004 national strongwoman title less than two years after her first competition. (AP Photo/Mark Humphrey)

I really wish that her boyfriend would have been a TEENY, little guy.

More pumpkin stuff

My friend, who has recently become with obsessed with carving pumpkins, introduced me to Extreme Pumpkins. Now, I used to think I was a pretty decent pumpkin-carver, but I do believe I have met my match.

Grown-up hooey

After having had gone through the very grown-up ordeal of dealing with 2 different car insurance companies and purchasing a new car, getting my first loan with a bank, I realized that I am really, really dumb when it comes to money stuff. If you're anything like me, (you know that a 401k is good, but don't exactly know why) then you should try reading this book. I'm so buying it (as soon as I have enough $ after my friggin' car payment) cause a friend highly recommended it.

2 things:

I like that she uses the word "fabulous" in her title.

I personally think she has a very aggressive haircut.

The Great Healing Effects of Pumpkin

Feel like you're going to shoot the next person who calls? Try taking a pumpkin-carving break.

Sharon, enough already.

Here she is, folks: Sharon Stone. Proof that being in Mensa doesn't mean you're not still an idiot.

According to an article on MSN.com:

A spy tells the New York Post that the "Basic Instinct" leg uncrosser "showed up in a Louis Vuitton coat with nothing underneath! That was it -- like a flasher! She wore it as a dress."

Sharon, darling. Remember that brain aneurysm? Try to think of it as God's little way of saying, "Fucking behave, you maniac. And wear some damn panties once in a blue moon. Aight?"

Anna? Sugarpie?

Is it just me, or has Anna Nicole Smith been AWFULLY quiet lately? I'm getting a little concerned...

If you check her website, there's like nothing up there to indicate that she's even still alive.

This "Are-You-For-Real-With-This-Shit?" Moment has been brought to you courtesy of
msn.com.

A step ahead of the trends

So, as it rains here in Los Angeles, I started to ponder the wet weather fashion and my mind wandered, leading me to ponder the following:

If the trend of the Ugg boot (supposedly starting under the guise of utilitarian functionality, before it was picked up by Hollywood fashion waifs and then exploded into the US Weekly-reading masses) started as innocuously as someone saying to themselves, "I need something to keep my feet warm," then maybe this rainy season could see a resurgence in the popularity of the wader.

So, I thought to myself, "That would make a clever little blog," and naturally began a Google image search, looking under the term, "wader."


That's when I found this.


I bet the only thing this chick catches is syphillus and/or a nasty cold.

I like to imagine that right after this picture was taken, she was attacked by a sexy Grizzly Bear in a thong unitard and clear heels. Just because.

The Queen of Halloween

Did I ever tell you how much I love Martha Stewart? Last year, I had a haunted wine tasting with my roomie/man-wife/domestic partner and let me just tell you, that shit was fun. (Here's a little shout-out to Yellowtail Merlot, and phooey to that Coppolla shit--blech!)

I'm going to be updating my links page with a few more Lisa Favorites and "Martha Stewart Living" is gonna be up there. Check it out, if at the very least, to see her awesome costume ideas.

And now, some cheese

This moment has been brought to you by Lisa's Undying Love For Cheese.

I'm not trying to front. I love me some cheese, bitches.

Work it, girl

Asia's richest woman Nina Wang (C) leaves the Law Courts building in Hong Kong. The court has adjourned a hearing into a charge that Wang had allegedly forged her husband's will to get her hands on his 3.5 billion dollar fortune.(AFP/Samantha Sin

I'm sorry, guilty or innocent, this chick is fucking ROCKING STILLETOS, HO! In a hot pink blazer no less.

I think I have a new personal hero.

I mean, for real, her facial expression and outfit are saying, "Fuck all of y'all bitches. I'm going home to smoke a blunt and then fuck the brains out of my 25-year old, Gucci-model boyfriend and I don't give a FUCK if you bitches find me innocent or guilty. PEACE and y'all can seriously kiss a bitch's ass!"

Rock on, Nina Wang.

Bless her heart...

OK, here's the caption on for the Reuters pix I found:

Sex worker Camille Cabral, representing French prostitutes, poses next to a European Union flag after a news conference organised by the International Committee on the Rights of Sex Workers in Europe (ICRSE), at the European Parliament in Brussels, October 17, 2005. The ICRSE wants to end the criminalisation of the sex industry and give prostitutes the same social rights as other workers. REUTERS/Francois Lenoir

OK, now, I understand that Camille here is a hooker--there's no two ways about it. But GODDAMN, GIRL! Are you seriously the most presentable chick in your whole crew? Couldn't y'all have organized y'allselves together, pitched in for one good suit and then voted on who looked the least used-up? Cause if Camille is really the best you guys have (in her full-on Forever 21) then y'all's asses really are in trouble.

I mean, for real--she looks like she JUST finished giving a hobo a blow job and then was all, "Oh well, guess I don't have time to fix my lipstick before the picture."

For REAL, girl.

All that aside, good luck with the rights and whatnot.

What can I say? Nick likes 'em dumb.

Here is an article about a teenager who said that Nick came on to her after a high-school football game. The article states:

She says, "He was a really good kisser, soft and gentle even though he was using his tongue to French kiss me..."

I'm sorry, but even at the tender age of 19 (and by that, I mean NOT TENDER...being SARCASTIC!!!) I was pretty clear on the fact that tongues were used for French kissing. What did she think he would do in a French kiss? Take her to France?

Lisa's List of Seven

Aight, Max, in appreciation of your shout-out, here is my quick and efficient response to the "List of 7."

7 things I plan to do before I die
1) Make out with a celebrity
2) Teach my children how to cuss in German
3) Get rich, bitches, and how
4) Learn Spanish
5) Get the Brite Smile thing for my teeth
6) Learn a martial art
7) Kill a man with my bare hands...or a gun, if I'm busy that day

7 things I can do
1) Spell
2) Use chopsticks
3) Drive stick
4) Juggle
5) French braid
6) A backbend
7) Make a carrot cake completely from scratch

7 things I cannot do
1) Drive a motorcycle
2) Wear pointy shoes for too long unless I'm somewhat drunk
3) Flash animation
4) The splits
5) Ballroom dance
6) Tie those sailboat-type knots
7) Shorthand

7 things that attract me to the opposite sex
1) Pheremones, most likely
2) Checking account
3) Savings account
4) Look, I'm not saying I'm a gold diggah...
5) Seriously? Fine. A sense of humor.
6) Super hot body
7) Super amazing face

7 things I say most often
1) That was insane!
2) Are you for real with this?
3) What's up, bitches?
4) Hola!
5) It was insane.
6) He's insane.
7) She's seriously insane.

7 favorite celebrities
1) Gwen Stefani
2) Sarah Silverman
3) Oprah
4) Kathy Griffin
5) Ricky Gervais
6) Kate Winslet
7) Mariah Carey

www.crazywhore.com

Just kidding, the url for Omarosa's website is actually www.omarosa.com. You seriously have to check it out. The woman is beyond insane. She's actually so crazy she's turned herself sane, only it's Bizarro-World sane, which means that in this plane of existence, we perceive her as crazy, because we are mere mortals. That is how far and wide the power of her lunacy extends.

In any case, you'll want to make sure you peruse her photo gallery, where you can witness photographic evidence of her supremely bad taste, including a photo of her in a dress and what I'm assuming are fuzzy, white rabbit penises draped from her arms.

Don't forget to browse her "resume," which includes her work as an "actor." And in all fairness, it must be difficult trying to ACT on a daily basis like you are a real human being when, in fact, you really are alien devil spawn, inhabiting the body of a dead drag queen, whom you are using as your host/human costume while you walk this Earth in hopes of sucking the souls of actual human beings and/or receiving commercial endorsements/offers for trashy reality shows.

All that aside, the site really is quite cleverly laid out. I love the part where she spins around.

For real

Why, oh why, on Earth would anyone watch this movie? To see if the two equally blandly pretty people end up together. Well, I'm sure they do. And I'm sure I don't care. And neither should you. So there.

Trendsetting Simpson

Apparently, skank is the new black.

Once upon a time, I reviewed a lame movie for the Internet

I totally forgot that I had done this until I decided to give myself a Google.

Just a thought

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine and I were discussing the dynamics of dating and falling in love and she had this to say:

"Honestly, I'm at the point in my life where I'm ready to marry a man who is willing to do the paperwork that it takes to be me."

At the time, she was in the midst of dealing with applying for a passport, the paperwork for which had been consistently lost by the office to which she was submitting her information.

"I don't care about working--I'd be happy to work for the both of us. I'm just sick of doing paperwork."

And to that, I say, "Does that include insurance?"

Introducing...Beyonce!

After much complaining and whining and lollygagging, I finally got my new car. I know, I know, it's a drastic departure from The Golden Nugget, but hey, I felt like I should live a little on the wild side. I've already started to customize it, what with the blind spot mirrors and clear carpet pads I purchased at Auto Zone on my way to work.

Watch out, Xzibit.

Vegas, baby!

A special congratulations goes out to both Chris O'Briens! You crazy kids! Now, you are just one Chris away from a Thris.

If you would like to witness what is basically my dream wedding (The only thing missing being the mariachi band and pirate ship reception, of course.) then click here and type in Chris O'Brien.

Stretching her acting muscles

Has anyone seen "My Name Is Earl"? Well, I haven't, but I did notice a picture of Jamie Pressly up on the site for the show, and it looks to me like Ms. Pressly is really determined to make sure she doesn't get pigeon-holed, that's for damn sure. It's nice to see her branching out--trying to add new roles and characters to her already diverse (one might even go so far as to say chameleon-like) repetoire.

Watch out Meryl Streep. Looks like you've got a Mini-Me on your hands.

I mean, take a look at this picture from her performance in the film, "Poor White Trash." It's almost like you're looking at two completely different people. Frankly, it's unnerving. Who does she think she is? Tracy Ullman?

In any case, my hat's off to ya, miss. You go on and keep 'em guessing, girl!